As an English teacher, one of the things I harp on when teaching text analysis is audience. Who is this text for? What features might the author be using to appeal to that particular audience? The audience for The Libel, for example, is “dangerous international spies who have been disavowed by their home agency, and who must now choose between proving their innocence and saving the woman they love (who, incidentally, they just met at a cafe and who seems to be undermining them at every turn while sardonically saying ‘oops’ in a vague Soviet-bloc accent).” Writing each piece with this audience in mind is what has helped me to achieve market dominance so quickly.
Occasionally, though, I must admit that I study texts and I am bewildered: who is this for?
Witness The New York Times.
The estimable “Voice of Midtown” has, over the past few years1, been liberally employing the device of “second-person narration” in its headlines. You may know this device from such classic contexts as “choose your own adventure books”2 and “in-person conversations.”3 Here is a selection of such headlines, which, I stress, are real:
There’s a New ‘Hunger Games’ Novel. Here’s What You Need to Know.
What, is it Ulysses or something? Wouldn’t I learn everything I need to know by reading it?
4 Things Therapists Want You to Know Before You Start Therapy
Sounds like you want me to do your work for you, therapists! I paid the co-pay—fix me!
Everything You Need to Know About Dry January
If there’s something about it that’s not covered in the two-word name, then I’m all ears, but candidly, I think I’ve got it.
Everything You Need to Know About Walmart+
Ok, this one is actually super helpful—I have a big test coming up in Walmart class and this one will help me study.
Do You Need a Different Moisturizer for Summer? It Depends.
Not to downplay the prowess of the legendary news organization that published The Pentagon Papers, among many other important scoops, but I could’ve cracked this one myself, fellas.
In Case of an Election Crisis, This Is What You Need to Know
Guys, if this doesn’t include how to resolve the crisis, then honestly, I don’t want to know.
And, of course, my favorite:
3 Salad Dressings You Should Memorize
Ok, this isn’t that many salad dressings to memorize, depending on how complex each one is, but still, I didn’t know I was supposed to memorize any salad dressings, and I’m pretty busy right now so not sure when I’ll get to this.
I read these things and I think to myself: huh? Am I maybe getting somebody else’s headlines? Because, and this is not to be self-deprecating, the amount of things I need to know is very, very small. The truth is, I get through my days pretty well without knowing any of these things.
I struggle to imagine the “You” who all of these headlines could be directed at. It seems to be “person with a bottomless, totally indiscriminate appetite for information who also loves buying products.” Which, now that I type it, actually seems like a pretty good audience for the New York Times to cultivate.
Notes:
Why did I write this? These headlines always crack me up. It wasn’t from the Times, but I once saw one along the lines of “50 Chicken Recipes You Have To Try.” That is a huge claim on my time, people!
What I’m reading: American Democracy: 21 Historic Answers to 5 Urgent Questions by Nicholas Lemann. This is a great read—Lemann collected 21 primary sources from a variety of perspectives, and organized them around these five questions: 1) Citizenship: Who Are “We the People”?; 2) Equality: How Can It Be Achieved?; 3) A More Perfect Union: What Is the Government For?; 4) The Power of Money: How to Control It?; 5) Protest: Can We Disobey the Law?. Really fascinating survey of historic responses to some of the questions that have wracked the country from the start. Disturbing to read Henry Cabot Lodge’s “Speech in the Senate on Immigration” advocating for drastically reducing immigration one day, and then read commentary online4 the next from reactionary figures, 100+ years later, that picks up the same threads.
Is this true? I tried to keep it as vague as possible because I really have no idea how long they’ve been doing this for.
Remember these? I read this great one about a kid who found a briefcase full of money in the park and periodically it would say things like “To turn the money in, turn to page 72; to keep the money for yourself, turn to page 113,” and then you would turn to page 113 and it would say something like “You have been killed by drug lords.” (I may be misremembering slightly.).
If you’re like me, you’re way more familiar with the former.
These people are, incredibly, shocked that New York City has a large population of immigrants, even as—as Charles C. Mann points out here—the current proportions are in line which historic ones. Maybe these are the people those Times headlines are for. “Everything You Need To Know About New York City,” with entry-level facts like “It is next to the Hudson River” and “It has five boroughs” and “people eat hot dogs from street vendors,” etc.