Our AI Company Will Usher In A New World Of Material Abundance (For Our Corporate Officers)
Welcome to the future!
Close your eyes. Open them again. In the fraction of a second it took you to blink, the world just changed. Do it again. Boom, the world just changed again. Go ahead, try it one last time.
Ok, the world didn’t change that time, but still, we think you’d agree that the world is changing really fast these days. And nowhere is it changing faster than in the field of Artificial Intelligence.
Here at Fire-U, we have an audacious goal: automate all jobs. Software engineering? Automated. Product design? Automated. Quality Assurance? Automated. We have even heard that some people work in fields unrelated to tech, and we are eager to understand those jobs and automate them, too. For example, what is a “jockey?” We’re not sure, but once we figure it out, we’re gonna automate the hell out of it.
To the average person, this might sound pretty scary. You may be asking: does this mean I’ll lose my job? We’re not going to sugarcoat it: yes. In fact, that is our fondest wish. Where other companies have a poster of a cat hanging from a tree under the charge, “Hang In There,” we have a picture of you, sitting blissfully unaware at your desk, under the words, “Put Him In The Breadline.” Sometimes, we throw darts at the picture.
But don’t worry: although our stated business model is “induce society-wide unemployment,” there is a silver lining: this level of automation will usher in a new golden age of material abundance for our entire C-suite.
Picture a world where all your needs and whims are satisfied: you never have to cook your own food, wash your own clothes, or look after your own boring kids. The howling wolves of hunger, health, and shelter would become distant memories, and you and your family would live a life of tranquil Olympian bliss.
Unrealistic? Utopian? We don’t think so. Although automating all work may seem like it has dangerous ramifications for the world economy, in the end, it’ll be worth it: all of our executives will get really, really rich.
Back in 1928, the economist John Maynard Keynes estimated that technological breakthroughs would eventually reduce the necessary workweek to 15 hours. With all respect to Keynes, we’re prepared to go even bigger: once Fire-U’s end-to-end automation process evaporates all uses for human labor, our leadership team will need to work zero hours a week, and will be pretty much good to coast on the vast mountains of cash we accumulated while gutting the labor force.
The rest of humanity, of course, will be engaged in a bloody, lawless war of all against all, knifing their own brother for a chance at the scraps that fall from our Chief Marketing Officer’s dinner table.
Yeah, sometimes the future’s so bright we have to wear sunglasses!
Ready to take the plunge? Reach out to sales@fireu.ai to schedule a demo.
Notes:
Why did I write this? Ok, so I basically ripped this off from a company called “Mechanize,” which was featured in a New York Times article called “This A.I. Company Wants to Take Your Job,” which describes Mechanize as “a new A.I. start-up that has an audacious goal of automating all jobs — yours, mine, those of our doctors and lawyers, the people who write our software and design our buildings and care for our children.” Pretty cool! “Mr. Besiroglu [one of the company’s founders] said he believed that A.I. would eventually create ‘radical abundance’ and wealth that could be redistributed to laid-off workers, in the form of a universal basic income that would allow them to maintain a high living standard.” It does feel a little bit like he’s “yadda, yadda, yadda-ing” the whole “transition to a post-work economy” thing here—note the “could” in the phrase “wealth that could be redistributed to laid-off workers.” Also: could not!
What I’m reading: I’m reading a terrific 2006 novel, Lullabies for Little Criminals, written by Heather O’Neill. It’s a coming-of-age story of a young girl with a hard-luck background in Montreal. Very well-written and poignant.