It's A Man, Man, Man, Man World
MANdate of Heaven
The progressive party attracts plenty of educated elites and speaks of reform and the need to combat corruption, but naysayers decry the party’s lack of virility and masculine energy, and questions how it can ever appeal to the rough and tumble men of the country. Party luminaries speak of the importance of reaching these men, and cultivating a more masculine energy and demonstrating physical courage.
I am speaking, of course, of Theodore Roosevelt and his 1894 address to Harvard undergraduates titled, “The Merit System and Manliness in Politics,” in which he “urged his listeners that they be not only ‘good men but also manly men, that they should not let those who stand for evil have all the virile qualities.’”1
But I understand that people have also been talking about this more recently, like in this New York Times article from May 28th:
Vincent McKibben, 25, a computer hardware engineer in Austin, Texas, grew up in a liberal family but enjoys the irreverent banter offered by right-leaning voices like Mr. Rogan. Recently, however, he has started to worry that the heterodox “manosphere” preys on buzzy culture war issues to attract attention, rather than offering substantive solutions.
But that has not left him entirely enthusiastic about Democrats. He said that the clinical, policy-driven voices on the left felt “very academic” and lacked a masculine charisma that people could latch on to.
Folks, take it from a 35-year-old man whose wrists are so thin that the smallest notch on his men’s running watch is still too large, so that he seems to be wearing a giant silicone bangle as he plods down the sidewalk: the Democrats have a manliness problem.
But together, we can fix it. I am going to put on my “political consultant” hat2 and offer some tips on how Democrats can boost their masculinity.
Food: many politicians have gotten in trouble for eating food wrong. Bill de Blasio got in trouble for eating pizza with a fork and knife back in 2014. Stephen Miller continues to catch flack for draining the blood of dozens of sheep and goats across the American southwest. Any aspiring Democratic politician needs to get this straight: any food, whether traditionally eaten with hands or with utensils, should be eaten with a loaded pistol. Should the safety be on? Sure, if you’re trying to lose an election!
Bridging the urban-rural divide: let’s face it: real men don’t live in cities. Real men don’t visit cities. The very notion of a city overwhelms the visual processing center in a real man’s brain. If a candidate is forced to visit any municipality with buildings exceeding three stories, he should say things like, “By God! What strange cliff is this? What sort of stone is this rectangular mountain hewn from?” If you see a bus, scream.
Getting around town: Here are the ways a candidate should get around, ranked from least acceptable to most acceptable: electric car, hybrid car, sedan, SUV, pickup truck, Bradley Fighting Vehicle, M1 Abrams Tank, horse, M1 Abrams Tank driven by horse.
Hobbies: take up hunting. Buy an uncharted island in the Caribbean. Hire a mute Cossack manservant. Lure unsuspecting sailors to crash their ships. Comfort them and feed them and give them a good night’s rest. Give them a few hours head start. Pursue them.
Make a big deal out of not knowing how to read: Too academic? Not you, the guy who rolls his eyes and mimes puking every time he sees the printed word! Any time someone hands you something with printed text, squint and say, “What are them fancy little scribbles?”
Acceptable emotions to express: triumph, rage.
See you out on the trail—good luck, he-men!
Notes:
Why did I write this? As someone who engages in a lot of stereotypically vigorous, masculine behaviors (like writing a satire newsletter), I felt duty-bound to educate my more effete, effeminate fellow citizens.
What watercraft I’m riding: I didn’t read much this week, but I did take a ride on the NYC Ferry. You can pay a lot of money for a Hudson River cruise, or you can pay $4.50 for a 2-hour ticket on the NYC ferry. There’s a new route that goes from Wall St-Pier 11 to Brooklyn Bridge Park Pier 6 to Bay Ridge to St. George to Battery Park to Midtown/West 39th St. Essentially, you get to make a big ol’ box of the Upper Hudson Bay and stand on the upper deck and feel the sun and wind on your face and marvel at the cityscape. Pretty sweet! Tell them Mike recommended it when you take a ride—no one will know what you’re talking about, but I’d appreciate it.
This is from Richard Hofstadter’s Anti-Intellectualism In American Life, from section 4 of Chapter VII, “The Fate Of The Reformer”.
I highly recommend trying this—the beauty of offering political advice is that anyone can do it, and there is neither the requirement nor the expectation that it be good, or even that it make any sense at all!
That running watch comment... too close to home