How to take better pictures of your spouse or die trying
Or, yet another way that I am like former President Barack Obama
“Who do I remind you of?” I’ll occasionally ask my friends.
“The boy from Holes before he develops confidence,” someone replies.
“No, I-”
“The kid from Sandlot who pukes on the carnival ride.”
“Well, I mean multiple kids puked-”
“One of the stupider hobbits.”
“Was one of them-”
“Russell from Up, but somehow even more path-”
“Guys, guys,” I cut in. “Don’t I kind of remind you of former President Barack Obama?”
At this point my friends tend to burst out laughing, until one by one they notice that I am deadly serious, and—now that they think about it—I haven’t blinked since the conversation started.
Eventually someone steps up and asks: “How so?”
“Well, a lot of things: effortless charisma, a real felicity with the English language, a tendency to inspire and unite my fellow citizens-”
“Huh.”
“Yeah, I guess,” someone will finally say before they change the subject back to something more comfortable, like death.
Altogether, it’s been something of a struggle to persuade my friends of this simple fact, so you can imagine by enormous delight when I finally came across an incontrovertible piece of evidence:
Now, this may look like a standard, sweet anniversary post, but if you analyze the photo carefully, you’ll notice that Michelle Obama’s eyes are mostly closed. Now we’re talking! Just like former President Barack Obama, I too share photos that will later get me in trouble with my wife.
Partially, this comes down to differing expectations of what to look for in a photo. I will snap a selfie, and if my wife asks me to check to see if the photo’s good, my literal test is: “is that us in the picture?” I would absolutely notice if, after we took the selfie, a different couple showed up on my phone screen. “Hang on a second, that’s not us. That’s Lyndon and Lady Bird Johnson,” I’d say. But apparently this is not the question being asked. There’s all kinds of things you’re supposed to look for when taking photos, like:
are both subjects’ eyes open?
are both subjects looking at the camera?
is either subject doing anything weird with their face? (look, part of it comes down to the clay I’m given to sculpt with—my face isn’t doing anything weird, per se)
is there a large bird flapping its wings in front of our faces?
are there distracting people in the background? For example, is there a wizened old crone standing slightly behind one subject’s shoulder, pushing large pins into a photorealistic doll of the subject? (For the record, this was a huge misunderstanding, and we now exchange Christmas cards. Hi, Cordelia!)
So, as I’ve learned, it’s not quite so simple. Personally, every time I see a picture of us, regardless of whether my fly is down and I have large bbq sauce stains across my shirt, my eyes get a little misty and I think to myself, “Wow, there really is beauty everywhere. We’re so lucky to be here.” Whereas my wife will look at the same picture and say, “look. Right under my left ear, a pimple will appear in seven days time, as long as the Dow closes above 33,000. Delete the picture, kill anyone you sent it to, and bury your phone in a cement coffin.”
And in fact, men, this seems to be a trait that a lot of us share with our nation’s 44th president. A quick Google search reveals that this is a real problem:
9 Smart Tips on How to Take Perfect Candid Photos of Your Partner
15 TIPS TO BE A BETTER INSTAGRAM HUSBAND, FROM AN INSTAGRAM HUSBAND
Dear Husbands :: Please Learn How to Take a Flattering Photo of Your Wife
How to patiently explain to your husband—as you might to a child, or a dull horse—what photography is
Sporting events you can send your husband to while you hire a professional photographer to take good photos
He’s really good with other stuff: coming to terms with your partner’s deficits
Ok, so some of these are fake, but it’s clear that we men could do a slightly better job of taking photos of our partners. In pursuit of that goal, I’ve done a little research and come back with a few tips.
“Is that beautiful person my spouse? Seriously, is it?” Make sure that the person in the photo is actually your partner.
Top Gun: Photographer: If you have a tough time getting the framing right, imagine that you are a fighter jet pilot with one of those cool displays, and you need to make sure your pitch and roll correct. Make sure the horizon is a straight line, and you’ll be taking fantastic pictures in no time. Ready for takeoff, Captain!
A Boeing 737’s primary flight display, Wikipedia. Let there be light: Make sure that there is enough light to show your subject clearly, but not so much that it washes them out. For example, if you are taking photos at the bottom of the Marianas Trench, there will not be enough light. Additionally, you and your partner will be crushed by 1,086 bars of pressure, which won’t land you on any “Husband of the Year” lists.
Good luck out there!
absolute banger this week, mate